Am I turning into a “Slacker Mom” or just overwhelmed and tired?

When I was pregnant with my first child, I had such high expectations for how my husband and I would raise our little bundle of joy. That list of “when I’m a parent, I’ll never…” was rather long and fairly detailed. To my credit, my firstborn was actually around 2 before fast food passed his lips. I felt so guilty since he’d had a fairly organic diet up to that point, but I got over it. The second child was chomping on French fries and chicken nuggets as soon as he could chew them without choking.

It is sort of depressing to pull out that list now and see what is still on it. I’ve never really seen myself as someone who is “wishy-washy” in their beliefs. Most people who know me, even slightly, would say that I can be downright stubborn about the things I believe to be important. The fact that there are so many things that I’ve crossed off my list gives me some pause though, especially since it has to do with my children. It raises a fear that perhaps I have become a Slacker Mom, and that my kids will spend a portion of their adult life paying professionals to help them deal with the aftermath of my parenting skills, or lack thereof.

Or is it that I’ve realized that most of what was on my list was at best, silly, and at the worst, unrealistic? So it would stand to reason that the remaining items really are the important tenets of parenting, wouldn’t it?

In talking to other mothers, all of whom refused to be identified in this article, I know I am not alone in wondering. One friend, a busy executive and mother of two, summed it up like this, “we do our best parenting before we have the little monsters. It’s just a theoretical exercise at that point. Once they show up, theory flies out the window and it’s all about raw survival, keeping what’s left of your sanity, and minimizing the collateral damage to your kids.”

As I look at my kids, and our life, I have to admit that there is a lot of truth in that statement. On paper, before I had my kids, I thought I had all the answers. I thought I knew how I would handle things. I was going to do things the “right” way.

In reality, there are times when I honestly don’t know the answer, or how I’ll handle something until the moment is on me. At night, when I am meditating on the day that has passed, I know that I have not always done things the “right” way where my kids are concerned. I yelled rather than spoke. I reacted rather than accurately assessing the situation. I punished one for something the other started, because I didn’t see the first part of the scenario – just the part when one brother hauled off and decked the other one.

It all comes down to this, you do the best you can with the situation you find yourself in.

While I know that on the occasions when I am not home for dinner, my sons are more likely than not to be eating fast food in front of the television set, it is still different when they want me to endorse similar eating habits on the nights their father can’t be home for dinner. To me, an acceptable dinner for my kids has at least one vegetable, preferable a green one, a starch, a protein, and milk. While I was between jobs, it was easy to take this high road. Now that I am back in the work-force and my husband's transfer to a new position means he's usually working nights, it is a whole new scenario.

When I’ve had a rough day at work, sometimes I find myself justifying a pizza: tomato sauce – vegetable, sort of, check; green onions – green vegetable, check; mushrooms and black olives – veggies, sort of, check; cheese – protein, check. Top it off with a big glass of milk…yeah, it fits the parameters for an acceptable dinner, where the heck did I put the number for the pizza place?

Is being realistic in actuality a form of pessimism or vice versa?

My father once told me that a pessimist is nothing more than an optimist who has had his, or her, teeth kicked in one too many times.

As I approach the end of my severance period, and face the distinct possibility that I will have to find a way of living on unemployment compensation while I continue to look for a job, I have been thinking about the difference between being realistic and being pessimistic. I have also been thinking that maybe my father had a point.

When my husband was laid-off a few years ago, we had that nice cushion in savings that all the financial gurus recommend. We were able to cover the difference between unemployment compensation and what he made before he was laid-off. The cushion was something we believed we could build back up once the dust settled. Unfortunately, it didn’t. His industry was one of the first to start to feel the downturn in the economy. Our cushion dwindled down to nothing by the spring of 2008. In the spring of 2008, the company I worked for gave notice that headcount reductions were coming, and I realized that we both might be out of work for a period of time.

Despite my concern, I knew that I was going to be fine, regardless of whether or not my head was actually on the chopping block. My “day job” as a project manager is one of those professions that lends itself to both contractor/consulting or permanent employee status, so I was sure that, even in a down economy, I would find something since companies still need to get projects done. My husband landed a new job with good benefits, so if the worst happened, I saw my situation as a potential to recoup some of our financial losses through the generous severance package the company was offering. As it turned out, I was cut in the fall, but I still remained positive that I would have a job by January.

My optimism was rewarded and I did in fact get an offer for a six month contract to hire position to start in January. Unfortunately, for me, the company lost funding for the position and I found myself back in job search. I had a rough couple of days (okay, it was weeks) before I shook it off and got back in the game, even more convinced that I would have a job offer before my severance period ended. Again, my optimism was rewarded with another twelve month consulting opportunity that was to start in May. This time, I thought I had nailed down all those pesky little issues that might make the offer less definite – like did the consulting company actually have a real contract with the client company as opposed to a gentleman’s handshake. Unfortunately, again, due to circumstances beyond my control, the client company has pushed off the project start date, twice; changed direction for its project; and added more requirements that it wants in the project manager, some of which I am lacking. It is looking like I may not have a job after all. Unlike the last time, I never got out of the job search game, so I still have a number of possible opportunities that I am pursing.

On some level, to even contemplate filing for unemployment and looking into whether or not my family qualifies for food stamps feels a lot like being pessimistic. To consider these things feels like I am giving up. On the other hand, the reality is that I have one more paycheck coming to me and there is still going to be a mortgage payment, utilities, car payment, credit card bills, insurance, and all the other “stuff” that will come due next month. Even if one of the other job possibilities comes through for me, there is a slim chance that it will happen before my severance period ends. While I have tried to put aside a bit of a buffer, it isn’t going to be enough to buy me much wiggle room.

The mantra that all of the job and career coaches are spouting is that you must remain positive and optimistic in your job search; that you need to focus on what the opportunities are and remain open to them; that you should use this time to think about what you really want in a job or career; and that if you want it bad enough you can make it happen for you.

Um, at the risk of sounding negative – sometimes it is a bit hard to paste on the happy shiny face and think of the possibilities when the reality is that you need a job to keep from losing your home, your car, your good credit rating, and thus the potential for the type of job(s) that you are accustomed to working.

Let me take a moment to say that as rough as things might get, I do acknowledge that I am lucky, incredibly lucky and thankful, to have had a severance package that lasted as long as this one has. Most of the other displaced/down-sized/laid-off people I have met have not had severance packages, or if they did, the packages were small.

Do I still believe I am going to find a job? Yes. I am also still convinced that it will be a better position that my last one, but I am worried that I may cross the line between realism and pessimism if it doesn’t happen soon.

When your brass ring turns green: Part 4 - A day in the life…

The day I turned in my keys, etc. then walked out the door of the company I’d spent the last 11 years, three months, and two weeks working for was actually a pretty good day. I felt an incredible sense of relief and easing of the stress that I had been dealing with since hearing of the head-count reductions six months earlier. In fact, the first two weeks of unemployment were more like a vacation than anything else. I made lists of the projects I wanted to tackle. I threw myself into cleaning my home, doing little home beautiful projects, and my writing.

The depression hit me about a month in. Mid-October found me a bit on the angry and frustrated side. My house-keeping frenzy tapered off, my little projects seemed too overwhelming and I really wanted to just curl up in a ball at the back of my closet. That not being feasible, I started going back to the gym and working on my plan for finding a job. I tried not to think about what would happen if the economic situation didn’t improve. I set up a schedule to spend a certain amount of time on-line reviewing the job boards, researching companies, and learning about social networking sites. I attended meetings with a career coach and checked out the outplacement services company provided by my former employer. I applied to take the PMP exam and threw myself into studying for it. What I did not do was deal with the very real issue of depression that is a part of losing a job.

In December, I landed a temporary consulting position that was to start in January, so I put my job search on hold. This was a huge mistake. Due to the state of the economy, the start date for the position was pushed off to February and then the funding for the position was pulled. The end result was a loss of two months time in my job search. That may not sound like much, but with the number of candidates competing for the few jobs out there, this was serious. I knew I had to shake off the blues over being unemployed, my disappointment over not having a temporary job, and refocus my efforts.

Here is what I learned from this phase of being out of work:
1. Until you are actually working somewhere, do not put your job search on hold.
In the current economy, there are no guarantees. I have heard some horror stories of people showing up at the new job and being laid-off within days of starting the new position. I am learning that job search is not something that one should turn off the moment an offer is received.

2. Do not brush off the blues over being un-employed.
It isn’t unusual and there is no stigma associated with it. Talk with someone, join a support group, or make an appointment with your spiritual advisor or a therapist. If you ignore the situation, it will only get worse and can begin to affect your loved ones as well as your ability to effectively market yourself.

3. Establish and keep a routine.
A routine can help you combat the blues. It will keep you focused and give a sense of accomplishment, even if your phone isn't ringing and the rejection letters or e-mails are coming in. If you always started your day when you were employed by checking e-mail, reading the paper, or scanning the news feeds for your industry, then continue to do so.

4. Put some exercise into your day.
This is another thing that will help you combat the blues and give you a sense of accomplishment. Even if it is something small like pacing when you are making your networking phone calls or buy an exercise ball to sit on at the computer rather than a chair.

5. Find something to do every day that makes you happy.
Sounds silly but this is important to set aside some time to do something that brings you some peace and joy. It could be reading something for fun or to learn about a new topic. It could be playing with your kids, actually playing rather than watching them play. Whatever you chose, make sure it will be enjoyable. The purpose is to provide a stress-free activity so that you are refreshed and energized when you engage in your job search activities.

Hope this helps. Stay tuned – next time I will share some of the networking tips and tricks I have picked up.

When your brass ring turns green: Part 2 – Denial is not a river…

Rumors of cuts are flying – what should you do?

If conversations at the coffee pot or in the restroom are about rumored head-count reductions, chances are that one is coming - at some point - but that is all you should count on. The office grapevine can be a valuable source of information – if it is used appropriately. Consider rumor of head-counts as an early warning alert but don’t treat it as gospel, and don’t stick your head in the sand because you don’t want to think it could happen to you. Truth is – every single employee is at risk. Think you are safe because you have a folder full of glowing performance evaluations? Displacement is going to hit you harder from an emotional standpoint than the person with a less sparkling performance history. Don’t become a victim of denial.

What you should do is:
1. Follow the advice your mother gave you as a child: keep your ears open and your mouth shut. Listen to the information and try to separate the fact from the fiction.

2. Do some introspective thinking. Now is the time to think about your career. Are you really happy working for this company? It seems like a no-brainer. You work there, ergo, you want to. Not necessarily. You may just be in a rut. Same goes for your job. Is this what you want to be doing?

3. Start a skills inventory. The goal is to understand what you like to do, what you are good at doing, and what you might want to learn how to do. There are books you can borrow from your local library, or purchase at the bookstore, that can help you work through the process. If you can afford it, there are life and career coaches who you can hire to guide you in developing an inventory and administering standardized tests to identify your interests and personality type.

4. Get that professional certification, degree, or continuing education courses that you have been putting off. This is especially true if your employer has an education reimbursement program. You want your skills to be as up to date as possible before the company starts doing its internal skills assessments in anticipation of restructuring or downsizing. Even though you may not be able to finish a degree before the downsizing begins, the fact that you are enrolled may be a mark in your favor or give you a leg up on the competition.

5. Start looking at your family finances. Get a realistic picture of what you have coming in and going out each month. Don’t forget to include things that occur once a year like taxes or membership dues. If you can start eliminating the non-essentials from your budget, setting aside a cushion and/or paying off outstanding debt before you are faced with a loss of income it will minimize the stress of losing your job.

6. Build or strengthen your professional network. If you are not on a networking site like LinkedIn.com, join one and begin to build your network by inviting your co-workers, former classmates, friends, and acquaintances. Join on-line groups for your profession as well as any face-to-face professional associations.

7. Update your resume. If you can afford it, hire a professional to help you re-vamp your resume. If you can’t afford it, talk to people in your network about giving you advice.

8. Check the job boards on-line. While a small percentage of positions are actually found in this manner, it doesn’t hurt to look even though you may be only passively searching for work at this stage. Get a feel for what is out there and who the companies are in your area with openings. This will also help with item 4. By looking at job openings, you will also get a feel for how your qualifications stack up.

9. Define what the perfect job and working environment for you would be. Write down everything no matter how silly or unrealistic. Set it aside for a day or two, or three, then come back and take another look. Refine this list into the “must-have” and “nice to have” criteria. Then start researching companies to find those that match or come close to the criteria and offer the types of work you are interested in.

10. Continue to do your job to the best of your ability.

Stay tuned – next time I’ll talk about what to do when you know you are out of a job.

The challenges of finding time to write

As a wife, mother of two young sons, full-time career-woman, and in charge of stemming the tide of disarray in our home, finding a little bit of "me" time - much less an hour to let my muse out for a run - is a challenge. I had thought that perhaps it was a function of the age of my kids (toddler and kindergarten age) but in conversations with other authors at Second Wind Publishing, age doesn't appear to be the factor. In fact, my children being in the age group that naps means I actually have at least one hour more than most do! (Sadly, it also means that sometimes I am the one who really needs the nap.)

Lucky for me that I find inspiration for new stories or plot developments from my dreams.

Carving out time to write involves a bit of creativity, an ability to multi-task, and a laptop. Weekends are typically the best time for me to get some serious writing or editing in. I frequently wake up before the guys and will take my laptop and a carafe of coffee onto our back porch to write until the family wakes. If the day is pleasant, I can get the kids dressed and turn them loose in the yard while I stay on the porch writing. If the day is rainy or otherwise unpleasant, the kids play inside or watch their shows on Noggin. As long as no one is bleeding I can typically tune out the vapid songs on the TV or the sounds of two children under the age of 6 working out their sharing and caring issues.

Weeknights are a totally different issue. With a 40+ hour work-week, I carry a fair amount of "mommy guilt" about spending family time doing anything but family activities. So, from the time we get home from daycare/after school care until the children go down for the night, it is all about them. As luck would have it, sometimes that is also when my muse or my characters start clamoring for my attention as well. After the kids are down, it is my husband's turn to have my mostly undivided attention. Finally, around 10 or so, I can sit down to write, answer e-mails or IM with friends, and pursue my interests. That pesky need for sleep impacts how long I can spend writing. I bought a book light that allows me to write without disturbing hubby's sleep too much but depending on how long my nails have gotten, the clicking of fingernails on the keyboard tends to make him a bit grumpy. (Of course, it also means that I can go get a mani-pedi without any flak from him about watching the kids!)

Next to the laptop, the invention of the jump or flash drive is perhaps the best thing for my ability to finish a chapter, no less a book! During my day job, I can carve out a lunch hour at least 3 days a week to write or edit. My advice to anyone struggling to find time to write is invest in a laptop, an extra battery, and a flash drive. Then, get really creative about carving out the time.